Isn't it funny how as one year draws to the end we start to think about all of the changes we need to make.
This year hasn't been my finest, but it's had some massive lessons for me which I'm grateful for. I've drunk too much to help numb pain, I've been defensive at times, I've cocooned myself away from people, but I've also learnt a lot and had some really good times.
Since I started experiencing anxiety I haven't been a big drinker, as it tends to exasperate my anxiety and I feel 100 times worse when a hangover and anxiety crash together.
Lately however I've been letting loose, kicking my heels up and having a few more drinks than I normally would, and I've had a lot of fun. But it also means I've had some dark self loathing days in bed kicking myself for being so weak, for treating my body so terribly and I start over analysing anything I said while I had a glass of wine in my hand. I know that I've been using alcohol to have some fun and numb some pain, and I don't want to do that anymore. I know it's not healthy, and it's not helping me feel and process so that I can move on once and for all.
I've also started to decrease my anxiety medication, and in order to do this effectively I need to be supporting my body with good nutrition, sleep, exercise and self care. After being on my meds for just over 18months I feel like I'm at a point now where I could drop down to a lower dosage and not have any negative side effects - I just need to find that sweet spot. I'm not aiming to get off them altogether, but I don't want to be putting any more of something synthetic into my body than I need to (which is why I also came off the contraceptive pill a few months back).
And finally, drinking isn't good for my weight. I am well aware of my weight. I'm well aware of the effect my medication has on my weight, and I'm well aware that when I'm on medication I tend to give up, throw my hands in the air and tell myself I'm going to be fat anyway, so I may as well just enjoy myself.
So I'm on a mission to heal myself, decrease my medication and feel strong and comfortable in my body again. I'm an all or nothing kind of person and I'm sharing with you that today is day one of my journey to healthier, happier and more real moments, without a glass of wine in my hand.