If you follow me on social media you may have noticed I've been a bit quiet over the last two weeks. I like to take this time of year to almost go into hibernation, spending lots of time on my own, reflecting, pondering, reading, resting and staying pretty clear of social media.
But like most people I have ended up scrolling through the endless social media feeds, and to be honest it hasn't been good for my soul. With New Year's my feed has been inundated with posts around the theme of letting go of the year that's been and making the new year your best yet. While I completely believe it is great to reflect on what's been and continuous growth and learning, it all just feels a bit shallow to me. I feel like the New Year's Grinch!
"2019, just believe that good things are on their way"
"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."
"365 new chances to have fun and be more positive."
"Dear 2019, be kinder and more loving to me please!"
"I wish 2019 brings you time with the people who matter, prosperity and your dream coming true."
"2018 has been so shit, bring on 2019."
This is all about perception and mindset and to be honest it doesn't really inspire me or make me feel good. They are just words, and words are pretty meaningless, like it's as easy as clicking your fingers to change your life, and they feel pretty token because they are being posted to gain attention, likes, comments, shares etc.
There is already so much pressure put on people due to the perceived perfect lives that are posted on social media, and for many people the holiday season brings up or exasperates emotions such as sadness, fear, loneliness, criticism, jealousy, grief and more.
Admittedly this time of year has been pretty ho-hum for me for the last few years. My ex-partner would always disappear at this time of year, too busy off doing whatever he was doing to spend time with me. It always felt like a bit of a stab in the heart, I felt like I wasn't enough for him. I now know that it had nothing to do with me, and was his way of continuing with his lies, controlling ways and balancing multiple relationships, but the emotional patterns have already been created.
Now I'm aware of it I'm letting it be, acknowledging it and not reacting to it. I'm not waking up with anxiety, trying to keep my days busy, while still being available, and ending each day feeling slightly worse than the previous one like I have done in previous years. I look back and it's embarrassing. I'm a strong, independent woman who has so much to offer someone and to reflect on how I spent the last few years doesn't make me happy or proud. We live and we learn and those patterns will disappear with time.