Two months ago I experienced a blessing I wasn't sure I would ever experience, but had always hoped for.
I found out that I'm pregnant, which filled me with joy and excitement.
If you've read my previous posts you will possibly know that I was in a non-healthy relationship for 9 years, and some might have thought I 'wasted' my best child bearing years.
If I'm honest I had wondered if I would meet someone I would want to spend my life with and create a family, or if that just wasn't going to be part of my journey. Then everything changed.
It started with a Kamala workshop we ran last August on Radical Acceptance. We ran this workshop as a follow up to the same event in 2019 and had a beautiful group of wahine join Jenna and I. The basic principal of the workshop was to spend some time thinking about your ideal future and draw it. We all shared what our drawings meant to us and why the different elements of them were important to us. Then we were challenged to think about how we would feel if that future didn't eventuate and that whatever our future becomes it will be beautiful and to let go of our perceptions of our perfect future.
This is my drawing:
To give you the gist of it - I am the star in the middle sitting in yoga position riding the waves of life. I am a star because I strive to be a bright light and safe place for people, my heart is drawn because living through my heart is so important to me and something I am continuously working on.
I thought I had moved through my desire for the husband and kids when this was what came to me for what my future looks like. For me it was all about being here to provide safe space for others and for us to all continue to grow to be the best versions of ourselves. Then the reality I had pushed so far down I didn't even know it still existed hit me sideways.
I realised that as much as I do want to be here for other people, I also want to create my own family in the future. I do still want the husband and kids that I had told myself for so long I didn't need or want, so therefore would be fine without.
For years now I've struggled with trying to know whether something is really right for me, or if I am just acting based on societies conventions of "normal". And having a family was one of the things that I had this conundrum around. In hindsight I was probably also consoling myself that I didn't have these things by telling myself that I was fine, that I didn't need them and that it didn't matter.
Then a couple of weeks later I attended a manifestation workshop which incorporated yoga and mandala drawing. I had a car accident the week before the workshop, so was in a pretty bad headspace and didn't really feel like my best self that day. But I took part, drew a Mandala and my intention with it was "To let go of the pain of the past so that I can let in the love of the future."
I was over everything. It was definitely a tough time, but I really put my energy into the intention I set with the mandala for the next few days.
Less than a week later I met Shaun, and we clicked. He is amazing, so lovely to me, but most importantly for me there has always been a natural feeling of comfort with him - like he's always been there.
Going from a relationship where I was very much kept contained and separate from his life, it has been so magical to be with someone who is so open and quickly completely immersed me in all aspects of his life. And now we are starting a family together.
We found out two months ago that we have made a lil human and are so excited. It just feels right in every fibre of my body. Of course I have moments of terror - how will I cope with birth, will I be a good mum, you know, the usual stuff, but I've never had a moment of doubt about this baby. I feel like she (I'm convinced it's a girl) is meant to be for us at this time.
I can't wait to continue to share my journey with you as I take the steps into motherhood.