I was feeling a bit off last week, I guess you could say I was feeling a bit down and blue, so I tuned into myself and gave myself some mental space to find clarity in what I was feeling.
To my astonishment, I found myself feeling lonely. I say to my astonishment, because I'm very rarely on my own these days, but I think that makes it feel even more important to share this.
As a new Māmā I've had lots of visitors over the last few months, which I'm extremely grateful for. The love that our family has received since Lachie arrived has been beautiful and humbling. I also spend my days with my wee boy, and evenings with Shaun. All of these things made me question why I was feeling lonely.
So I sat with this further and let the thoughts and feelings drift in and out while I pottered around the house, seeing where my heart led me. I found myself realising that I was missing deep connection with Shaun. Our lives have changed pretty dramatically over the last few months, and we feel so blessed and love our wee boy so much, but the fact of the matter is things have changed.
When Shaun gets home from work I pass him Lachie so I can get into the kitchen and get dinner sorted, while doing dishes, throwing some washing on, sorting Lachies nappies etc. Once we've had dinner we pass Lachie between us, playing, reading him stories, having cuddles and then putting him to bed.
By the time this is done and I sit down Shaun is often asleep on the couch (which I completely understand since he's up at 3:30am each day), and I zone out to the TV until Lachie wakes for a feed, then we head to bed.
This has left little space for us to connect, or even an awareness that we weren't.
Once the pennies dropped for me over the weekend I shared how I was feeling with Shaun, and we talked about how things are obviously different now and that makes it difficult to find the time to connect. But I then realised I don't accept that. It's up to us what our lives look like, and so if we want to have quality time together it's up to us to make that a priority and ensure it happens.
I've experienced loneliness before, but in the past it was because I was actually alone. As I sat with the feelings I understood them more, and felt a sense of calm as both understood how I was feeling and why, and knew that I could talk to Shaun about it so that we could make some changes.
This ability to understand and then take positive action to look after myself and create what I need doesn't always come easy. Sometimes it's a painful process, but always worth it when the clouds part and I can see with clarity what is going on, why and what I need to do.